The Big 'D'

"Until we have met the monsters in ourselves, we keep trying to slay them in the outer world. As we find that we cannot. For all darkness in the world stems from darkness in the heart. And it is there that we must do our work."

It's about this time of night I struggle with my thoughts the most. The demons sneak into my brain and won't let me sleep. I've been a night creature for years now because of that. These past 2 years have honestly been the worst of my life. I have dealt with so many personal issues, among other things, and tried to be strong through it all but sometimes being strong isn't enough. This is something that is hard for me to say because strength was the only thing I had to rely on at times as a child growing up with a disability. It was everything to me. I stayed strong through the bullying, the mocking, the stares, the pity, the physical therapy, the leg braces that embarrassed me to all hell. I even got 'strength' tattooed on me as a reminder of everything it got me through and that I needed to continue to grasp onto that. Some people put their faith in a religion or a God. I put my faith in my ability to be strong for myself. So it's really hard for me to admit that the past two years, strength has not gotten me through life. 

I consider myself a happy, kind person (I hope others would say the same) and I try to emulate that in my everyday life so people can't see the darkness that clouds my brain. I have had my ups and downs over the past couple years, mostly downs, and I still fight those lows. I call the lows "funks". These funks could last a day, weeks, even months. It's this dark cloud that is constantly looming over you that you just can't seem to shake. 

I knew something was wrong when I had no will power to do anything. I didn't have the passion for school I did before, I wouldn't go out with my friends as much, didn't go to class, I never had an appetite, and I secluded myself greatly. I would lay in bed all day, every day and it didn't occur to me for a long time that something might be off. I finally decided to see a counselor and told her how I was feeling. She then asked how long I had been struggling with depression. DEPRESSION. The big D word. It had never occurred to me that I could be depressed. I'm a happy, optimistic individual and always have been. That word terrified me but it finally all made sense. A lot of things happened that caused me a lot of stress within a 3-month span. It was too much for me to handle and I feel like my brain shut off because it didn't know how to handle all the chaos and pressure that was occurring in my life. I kept it a secret from everyone because I mostly felt ashamed of myself. For someone who had been through so much in life to now not being able to handle it... It was devastating to me. 

Since then, it has been a crazy journey. In those 2 years I had neurosurgery, dealt with more pain than I could have ever imagined, improved greatly with rehab and felt really good about myself for the first time in years. And then I had a huge setback and more pain and that's kind of where I'm at right now. I've been in a lot of pain for the past 5 months and that certainly doesn't help with one's mental strength. I am constantly trying to work on my thoughts and feelings and trying to be hyper aware of what makes me feel better or worse. 

I am not writing this because I want anyone's pity. I am writing this because writing is a healthy outlet for me. It always has been. Poetry always seemed to help me when I was dealing with a lot growing up and writing my thoughts seems to help sort through the mess of a brain I have right now. 

I also want people to know they are not alone. Once I slowly started telling people about my experience, it not only made me feel so much better to get it off of my chest, but it made me realize how many other people deal with depression, anxiety, and other panic disorders. There are so many other people in the world who are dealing with the same bullshit that goes on in your head. It was refreshing to tell someone about it and have them tell me that they too are dealing with the same thing. 

I was embarrassed and felt alone for the longest time. I have finally reached the point in my life that I want to share my experience with people. I want others to know they are not alone and I don't want depression to be a taboo subject anymore. Depression is a mental illness that affects so many more people than most of us realize, almost 15 million people in America. It shouldn't be a subject that is swept under the rug or one we should feel embarrassed about. I was terrified to tell anyone and no one should have to feel that way.  If we are more open about the heavy, dark stuff that is going on in our heads, then maybe we can help more people and that's really all I want in life. 

Every day I strive to have that pure happiness about life that I once had. I haven't truly been happy for 2 years now but I am slowly making my way back there. One day and one challenge at a time. 

Thank you to all that have helped me through the light and the dark days. I hope I can help some of you too. 

XOXO,

B